Ok so I am going this Monday eager to start my new Speech class. Little did I know is that some teacher are NOT what you expect them to be. Probably because I have high expectations from people often I get disappointed.
I asked the teacher if I can delay for one day my homework because I was supposed to work and then the following day to get to the doctor's office so there was no way I could have done it. I wasn't asking to not do something. She looked straight through me, literally I felt invisible. No can't do....I asked if it's ok to leave earlier from class to make it to work and she waved her hand in disgust without looking at me "that's fine" but with that tone that means "whatever dude I don't care".
It hurt my feelings. I went down to the registrar office and immediately with no regret dropped the class. I felt relieved. It's one of those cases where you meet someone and just dislike the person from the beginning. I felt bad for real. It made me feel so unimportant. Maybe since I had only great teachers that helped me all the way to cope with my illnesses.
Today I was sick to my stomach while I was at the bank. Almost passed out there and make a mess on their carpet. This like this really are affecting me more than I can imagine. I wish I wasn't that sensitive and let people bother me, but...I guess even when I try to let it go, it goes deeper for me.
On the other hand of course I have been told that I do have this weird personality, that I am so different. Not always "being different" is a good thing. Not in my case anyway...I stick out like a sore thumb and make sometimes enemies without even trying to. And being different sometimes scares people. Any people. But especially in E Texas I met the most people that are so quick to judge, to put a stamp on you and squish you down if they don't "get you" or if you are just sooo different.
What is with people and their eagerness to conclude you make a bad person just because you have an accent? Or because you are outspoken? Is their feeling of insecurity that takes over as an automatic "cruise control" and makes them aggressive or even rude? Or is it that most of them they don't like to be out from their comfort zone, of "what they know" and what they "don't know" scares them and makes them quick to dismiss? Why people reject automatically what "they don't understand" without trying to know it? Why is it easier to run away rather than facing it? Why people get jealous of you because you tried harder? Why they always look at your results when they get jealous on you, but they never understand the sweat you went through to get there? Why they just can't get it that in order to get somewhere, you have to be starting somewhere....and that includes starting from the bottom in order to get up. You can;'t fly to get on the top of the stairs; you have to climb them step by step. And while you are at it, don't be looking into the neighbors yard thinking his grass is greener; you have no idea of his individual situation and what kind of manure he is using to have it better (you think) than yours. Don't be comparing yourself with anyone, because we are unique individuals and we cannot compare with each other. We all have unique traits and weaknesses. there are not two alike not even in twins. So why compare your success or failure with someone else?
Little things make the big picture more clear. For some. For others they can look at the big picture and be happy with less details. We all look at the same sun anyway but I don't think that the sun shines on us equally. Some of us don't get out enough to enjoy it. We get depressed easier. On others it's always sunny. But do we really think it is the same one we are looking at? We carry an array of descriptive adjectives to describe the sun, but do we all look at it the same way? No, we don't. What is bright and warming and nice and healing form someone can be easily unhealthy, poisonous and burning for another man. So we do look at the same sun, but we don't perceive it the same way.
Same thing with a person we meet. Some will love it some will hate it. I can accept I am not going to be the most popular loved girl in the world....but...how about give me a chance to know me first and then...decide....don't dismiss a person just because you think you are better than the person in front of you. We might not look the same at the sun, but we are definitely getting the same light during the day no matter what. That should equal for something.
Just because we speak, we are considered superior to other creatures, animals. That is the only difference between us and them, yet an animal will communicate the love, the affection and its feelings very clear without talking, speaking, saying "words"...but we do get the message right? Why animals can be true to their feelings and loyalties and humans cannot? Why humans love to hate each other and they do it in the most creative ways possible..... while animals will just wag their tail or growl and that's it, is forgotten? Suppose we have more brain matter? Pfff....please, I've seen dogs with more common sense than humans sometimes! Plus the elephant they say has the best memory ever...
We like to trick ourselves into thinking that animals cannot feel like we do, so we can wring that chicken's neck and eat it. It makes us feel better for killing an innocent animal right? We need a reason to justify any ugly act we are doing to keep that feeling inside of us "satisfied". That must be it. Every time we are mean or hateful we tell ourselves that we had a good reason to do it, so inside, we feel okay about doing it, clean conscience. Is it really ok to give ourselves a "green light" to do what is not always viewed as "christian"? Do we really sleep better at night knowing that just because we had a reason , it was ok to do it?
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